You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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