whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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