i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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