i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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