I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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