He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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