She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
