'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
