I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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