Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
