3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
