omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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