I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
