i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
