You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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