I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
