i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
