Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
