You smell like stripper and shame
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
