just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
