Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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