The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
