JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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