A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
