i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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