so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
