No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
