I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
