The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
this just has baby written all over it
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
