I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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