He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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