The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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