I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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