He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
