i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
