Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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