bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
