Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
