I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
