Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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