If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
