I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
