...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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