her vagine was all disorganized.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
