I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
