one two three fourrrrnication!
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
