I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
