guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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