I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
