we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
