im about as happy as oj after his trial
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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