Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Im part way to drunk.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
